Quest for the Golden Waffle
= Book I: Dorkugal = Explorer, Fred, and their buddies are on vacation at Dorkugal, and, quite by accident, discover a family secret that dates back years. But there is one unanswered question that remains: What do a bottomless smoothie cup, an ancient mainframe, an old hobo who is an ex-archeaologist, a series of formatting errors, a bunch of flying, disfigured ellipses, and a shrine full of constants have to do with The Golden Waffle? Chapter 1: A Vacation On The Occasion Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Southern Pi Island, Dorkugal 12:30 PM, Novemeber 28 The sun smiled cheerfully through as the ebbing tide slowly but surely drew back from the Dorkugese coast. Silver sand sparkled resplendently, beautifully contrasting with the deep blue, filtered waters of Pi Bay. It was the perfect time of year to go to the (artificial) beach, so it wasn't much of a suprise when The Antics Brothers turned up at the site first thing on their vacation to Dorkugal. The brothers were pretty popular throughout the USA, especially in Dorkugese culture. Most said it was because Fred, the older and geekier one, was Dorkugal’s beloved delegate on the South Pole Council. Whatever it was, the two brothers were just famous, and they didn’t care. They didn’t live in a huge mansion, castle, or palace. The brothers lived in separate igloos (the normal kind of igloo, mind you) across the street. And they didn’t walk around in rich clothes or anything like that. Most of the time, the brothers wore casual, everyday clothing, along with their trademark hats: Explorer wore a red propeller hat and Fred wore a purple graduation cap. On that particular morning, the two brothers were lying back in deck chairs, patiently awaiting the arrival of the smoothie-mobile. “Ahhh,” sighed Fred as he gazed around the perfectly simulated artificial beach. “It’s amazing what you can do with computer technology and holograms.” “Huh,” muttered Explorer, who wasn’t a big fan of artificial simulations. “It would be better if they actually let us go outside.” “Well,” insisted Fred, “at least it’s safe in here. This is Floor Twenty Four. What if there was a tsunami outside, huh? ” “But it’s not natural!” cried Explorer. “It doesn’t come anywhere near close to the real beaches I’ve seen. Tell me, where are all the seashells? Or how about the starfishes? Huh?” “There are seashells here, Explorer!” Fred said in exasperation as he bent down and picked up an artificial conch. It had a little blinking LED light on the tip. “And here’s a starfish. See?” The starfish made a beeping sound when shaken. “Bah!” screamed Explorer, tossing away the fake starfish that Fred had given him. “It's made of silicon! The water is filtered, and don't even get me started about the silver sand! What's it made of anyway?!" Fred smiled. "It's made of recycled, ground up aluminum. It's as soft to the touch as sugar or flour... not at all like the rough textured feel of real sand." Explorer was fed up with it. "AAAAAHHH!! I just want natural stuff here, not some recycled powder for sand, or stupid simulated sunshine or something like that!” “Did you just call that brilliant artificial sunshine ‘stupid’?!” shouted Fred as he jumped up to confront Explorer. “It’s fluorescent AND energy saving!” “Oh, yeah?” Explorer retorted. “The sun doesn’t have to be plugged into some silly socket or anything. And it doesn’t burn out either!” "It will burn out in five billion years' time!" Fred responded. "That's Darwinism!" Explorer yelled back. "You know I don't believe in that!" "While I'm on that subject, why do the Dorkugese even dress like they do?! It looks medieval!" Explorer, now in blind rage, screamed at the air. "This isn't the 1500s!!" Gasps were heard. "Oh, no he did not!", a Dorkugese penguin replied. Explorer and Fred were now standing up in fighting position, flippers raised in the air. Everyone inside the indoor beach was staring at the two arguers, wondering what would happen next. Without warning, the fight was abruptly interrupted by a loud screech coming from the back of the room. As a blinding cloud of powdered aluminum swept across the artificial beach, a loud cheer went up from the crowd of vacationers as they rushed towards the source of the noise. “Look, it’s the smoothie-mobile!” Explorer shouted excitedly over the commotion. “Come on, let’s go!” The two brothers eagerly sprinted over the artificial beach, treading over silicon starfishes, copper clams, and steel conch shells. They got into line 3rd place, and not a moment too soon! A large cue of impatient Dorkugese had already formed behind Explorer and Fred. “Phew!” Explorer sighed in relief. “We finally made it without getting run over by the mob!” “A definite first, I’m sure,” Fred panted. “But don’t mention ordinals now. It’s our turn!” As the brothers stepped up to the side of the mobile, the line behind them began to chant. “AN-TICS! AN-TICS! AN-TICS! WHAT A SPECTACULAR PHENOMENON TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF THEIR BEING!!” Ironically, they all screamed the same sentence at the same time. Thankfully, the vendor in the mobile was kind enough to alleviate the two brothers of their embarrassment. “Now, calm down, people,” the vendor called out to the cue. “I know you want their bitmaps and such, but these two fine gentlemen have to get their smoothies!” Turning to Explorer, she said, “So, what would you like, Mr. Antics?” “Well,” Explorer said thoughtfully, “I think I’ll do with a Wi-Fi Whirl, Aleph-Sized.” As the vendor scribbled Explorer’s order onto a PDA, Fred stepped up to the mobile and said, “I’ll have a congruent sample, please, but can you square the size? I’m quite hungry today.” “Of course, Mr. Antics,” replied the kind vendor, “I never knew a geek who wasn’t hungry. Here you are!” “Thank you, ma’am,” Explorer called over his shoulder as he and Fred walked away. As the two brothers sank back down in their deck chairs with the smoothies, a loud beeping sound rang out from Explorer’s Bluebeak headset. “Hello?” Explorer asked as he sat back in his chair. “Hey, Explorer!” a familiar voice replied. “You didn’t think you were gonna leave us behind on your nice vacation, did you?” “Happyface!” Explorer grinned. “So, you did board the plane after all.” “Yup, me and Barkjon boarded at the very last minute. You guys were asleep in first-class, so we snuck right past you and got a seat at the back just as the plane was about to take off. Talk about the nick of time!” “So,” Explorer asked, “where are you guys?” "We're driving on Highway... 12, yes, Exit 13A," Happyface replied. "What hotel are you guys at again?" "It's the Snitz-Farlton," Fred replied through a beakful of smoothie. "On the corner of Transcendental and 3.14th, Floor 24." "Ok, guys!" Happyface finshed. "We'll be right there!" As Explorer turned off his Bluebeak, Fred laid back and sighed, "What are friends for?" Chapter 2: Broken Redirects, Tags, And Out Of Wack Formatting #REDIRECTQuest_For_The_Golden_Waffle#Chapter_3:_I've_Been_Delayed Irrational St, Exit 13A, Highway 12, Southern Pi Island, Dorkugal 12:40 PM, November 28 At the intersection of Irrational St and 2.72nd St, Happyface and Barkjon impatiently sat in a red minivan, waiting for the LED traffic light to turn green. “Come on!” Happyface shouted at the traffic light as he honked the horn. “Go already!” The traffic light seemed to hesitate for a moment, then hastily switched to green. "Slowpoke computers," Happyface muttered as he signaled left and turned. As a mass of cars poured out of the intersection, Barkjon suddenly noticed something that was quite wrong. “Er, Happyface?” Barkjon asked. “Haven’t you noticed that the book just cut from Explorer and Fred to us? It’s not supposed to do that.” “What do you mean?” Happyface replied as he turned a corner. “I mean that the book’s plot is focusing on us,” Barkjon explained. “It’s supposed to skip this part and cut straight to the scene where we arrive at the Snitz-Farlton.” “Maybe it’s a programming error in the script,” Happyface suggested. “Why don’t you see if you can fix it?” Barkjon pulled out the script from his pocket and scrutinized it. “There’s a broken redirect on Line 2,” he called out to Happyface. “Here, look at it for yourself.” “Oh, that?” Happyface said lightly as he pulled onto 3.14th St. “That’s just an accidental misuse of the tag. You should be able to fix it.” “Alrighty, you little stubborn piece of HTML,” Barkjon muttered as he tugged on the tag, which refused to move. “You’ll learn not to break perfectly good redirects when I’m finished with ya!” All of a sudden, the tag flew off the script and out of the open window. For some weird reason, the script began flashing blue, much to the annoyance of Happyface and Barkjon. “The redirect should be loading any second now,” Barkjon told Happyface as he tried to undo the out-of-wack formatting. “Otherwise we’ll be stuck here with our quotes flashing cyan for another 20 minutes.” "Well," replied Happyface, "it might be a side effect. I've heard of redirects being loaded and penguins' quotes going superscript. Hey, look, our quotes stopped flashi--" ---- Redirect loading, please wait. ---- REDIRECT: Quest For The Golden Waffle#Chapter 3: I've Been Delayed Chapter 3: I've Been Delayed Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Dorkugal 1:13 PM, November 28 Due to the crazy formatting errors, Happyface and Barkjon would be a long ways off. After hearing the bad news via Explorer's Bluebeak, the Antics Brothers decided to patiently wait. Fred decided to go pick up a good book, and bidding Explorer goodbye, he snagged a copy of the holiday classic A Thanksgiving Carol. Explorer, however, wasn't interested in books. He would rather go sightseeing. Exiting the artificial beach and still chugging his smoothie, he looked around Floor Twenty Four. It looked like any mall, with simple tiles, rooms, and a few "houses", which were more like massive dormitories than actual residences. Walking around and taking all of the areas end, he bumped into a little fellow passing by. "HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! PENGHIS KHAN WAS WALKING!" Explorer looked up. What was Penghis Khan doing at Dorkugal?! Penghis Khan looked at Explorer. "Penghis Khan remembers you. You locked Penghis Khan in a movie theater with WHAT?!? playing on the screen. He had to sit through a long and boring movie. THREE TIMES!!!" Explorer gulped. He remembered that... and the fish that followed. In want of a change of subject, Explorer immediately swapped topic. "How in the name of waffles did you get into the final draft of this book? I should know you're not supposed to be here; I'm the main writer of this thing." Penghis Khan stared. "This is a book? Is this not real? Penghis Khan doubts your sanity." Explorer rolled his eyes and frowned. He and his twin brother Fred were one of the few birds who knew of the Fourth Wall. To everyone else, the experience was real. "Let me guess," Explorer mumbled to the readers. "Writer's block?" "Penghis Khan wants to know what a writer block is," Penghis Khan interrupted. "Tell him. NOW." Explorer, instead of obliging to tell Khan that "writer's block" was a severe writing disorder where the said writer got a "block of ideas", took out the recent changes page and began thumbing through the log to confirm Khan's claim. Of course, this made Penghis Khan even madder. "YOU SHALL TELL PENGHIS KHAN WHAT 'WRITER'S BLOCK IS, OR YOU SHALL RECEIVE HIS ''IMPERIAL PWNAGE!!!" Explorer rolled his eyes again. Penghis Khan thinks he rules a great nation. He decided to play along, and agreed. After all, Penghis Khan speaks loudly ''and carries a big fish. "Look, I put the definition ten lines above! You can just pull out the page and see for yourself! Now, what do you want with me, you little fish-slapping phreak?!" Explorer thought the last part of the sentence, in lieu of being whacked with a Mullet twice the size of himself. "Penghis Khan thinks you are weird, with your theories of us being controlled by someone that is not us. Penghis Khan laughs at your thoughts. Very greatly." Penghis Khan laughed. Very greatly. Explorer ignored him. "What do you want anyway?" "Penghis Khan wants to follow you." "What?!" "You heard Penghis Khan. He wants to follow you. Penghis Khan enjoys your company." Explorer really didn't want the Emperor of Pengolia following him. Though, it wasn't as if he had a choice. Recalling Fred's advice, "Penghis Khan's Demand + Your Rejection = Pain \times 1013", he had to say yes. Penghis Khan clapped with joy. Thankfully, the Dorkugese never actually met Khan before. They perceived him as a little chick with a bratty attitude. With a sigh, Explorer waddled through the halls of Floor Twenty Four, Khan in tow. Penghis Khan also marveled at the buildings, until he stopped. Explorer, noticing the monarch's stopping, rushed over before his servants could slap him. Penghis Khan was seething at the stall in front of him. It was another Burger Khan restaurant. Everyone knew how he felt about those places. He took out his fish. "FOUL INDIGNIFYING RESTAURANT, FACE PENGHIS KHAN'S IMPERIAL PWNAGE!" Penghis Khan ran over to the logo, dragging his Mullet. "WHY DO YOU MOCK PENGHIS KAHN WITH YOUR SMILING?!" he screamed at the logo. Penghis Khan tried to whack the building, but he was too short. "PROPELLOR BIRD!" Penghis Khan screamed at Explorer. "HELP PENGHIS KHAN DESTROY THIS EDIBLE CRETIN!" Explorer rejected. His servants took out a vial of Ditto A, and showed it to him. He quickly waddled toward Penghis Khan. Alas, Explorer was too short to knock over the logo either (though he could have blown it up with spare dynamite). Penghis Khan summoned his servants. Holding out a roll of what looked like condemnation tape, he ordered his servants to evacuate the restaurant and put the tape all over the door. They obeyed, and while Penghis Khan was yelling at the logo, Explorer slipped away, still drinking that smoothie. It was great to get away from the "emperor". Explorer hoped not to run across anyone else, except for Happyface and Barkjon. He was wrong. Turning a corner, Explorer ran into a Dorkugese penguin, one dressed in a rather shabby business suit and fancy tie. Explorer suddenly remembered who the penguin was. It was Edwin Freezer Luge, the bitter old miser who ran the Quantum Computing company on Floor 66. He was so rude and greedy, even the big conglomerates refused to buy his business! Explorer also remembered that two years ago, Edwin had "accidentally" run him over with one of his snowmobiles on this very floor. Explorer had always despised him after that incident. "Get back, miser," Explorer threatened, pulling out his shovel. "I've got a spade!" The finely carved shovel gleamed in the fluorescent light. What happened next was rather unexpected. "HAPPY THANKSGIVING EXPLORER!", Edwin shouted gleefully. "Here, have some radians!" Edwin promptly tossed 42,705 worth in radians into Explorer's player card. 42,705 radia?! That was unheard of in Dorkugal! The only penguins there with that amount of money were Mr. Luge, Billy Fence I, and, of course the Antics Brothers themselves. Explorer also remembered something else: Wasn't Edwin Freezer Luge the rich miser starring in the holiday classic A Thanksgiving Carol? And why was he being so generous? Most of the time he was quite greedy and grumpy, especially to his IT assistant, Curta Jobs. Explorer pondered over this for a minute. He then answered Mr. Luge while holding up a "DEJA VU" sign to the readers. "Paranormal experience, Mister Luge?" "Affirmative, my boy, affirmative!" Edwin replied, laughing. "Oh, and what it taught me! Happy Thanksgiving!" Explorer found the entire thing very phreaky and weird. "Oh, and about that whole... snowmobile... incident... I'm sorry. I have a gift in return." Edwin tossed over the keys to his snowmobile, and his backup snowmobile, and the backup of his backup snowmobile. "You're giving me three snowmobiles?" Explorer asked in shock. "Yes sir! It's the least I could do," Edwin replied. Explorer realized just how much he could buy with all that radia. 42,705 radians plus three snowmobiles! What gift could be better than that? Forgetting all else, including the fact that Happyface and Barkjon were still late, and that Mr. Luge was acting very weird, Explorer hastily thanked Edwin, hopped into the snowmobile that Edwin had left beside him, and drove off to the garage on Floor 25, yelling "WOOT! SHOPPING SPREE!!!" as he went. Explorer planned to spend most of his money at the Giga-Market on Floor 66. He would park the snowmobile at the garage, then take an elevator up to the mall. After parking the snowmobile at the garage, Explorer waddled off to Dorkugal's high-tech set of elevators. Continuing his adventures through the building, he ran into a huge black penguin. It was rather frightening for tiny Explorer to see a penguin three times his height. The penguin wore a red sweater... and a green belt. Explorer gulped. "Just back away." Explorer thought, "Maybe he won't see you." Explorer tried to slip away quietly, but he stepped on a pair of glasses that broke. The other penguin turned around. It was Winston, the infamous ninja that could hug the breath out of any penguin, and probably break Mabel's glasses. "Hello friend! How's my favorite shovel wielding penguin?" The disgrace to ninjas immediantly grabbed Explorer before he could run. He was -- "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!" Explorer yelled to the Narrator*. "HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN THIS BOOK?! AND WHY IS WINSTON ONE OF THEM?!!! DO I HAVE TO BE TORTURED THIS MUCH?! MUST I ENDURE THIS VICE GRIP OF PAIN AND SUFFERING?!! WHAT KIND OF A WEIRD, PHREAKY NOVEL AM I IN, ANYWAY?!!" Nothing happened, except for Winston hugging Explorer even tighter. "Okay," Explorer shrugged to the narrator. "I'll take my contract to another publisher, and sue the shirt off-" Suddenly, Explorer forgot what he was saying. Winston hugged some more. Struggling for breath, Explorer managed to scream the following sentence: "Was *ack* I about *ack* to sue the worthless *ack* narrator who loves to *ack* abuse *ack* the protag- *ack* -anist?" "Don't worry about lawsuits!" Winston stated. "Lawyers are not really scum-bags. They just need a good ''hug''!" Explorer couldn't escape Winston's grasp. He decided to use trickery. "Win *ack* ston! Look! There's a lonely penguin *ack* who *ack* needs a *ack* hug!" Explorer lifted a flipper toward Penghis Khan, who had successfully converted the Burger Khan to a souvenir shop that sold stuffed Penghis Khans (4 rad each). Looking at the Emperor, Winston let go of Explorer, who then fell to the ground, consequently knocking his little propeller hat off. With ninja-like speed, Winston was then swiftly and silently, like a thief in the night, running toward Penghis Khan. "Hello friend! How's my favorite little chick? Still grumpy? You need a ''hhhuuuuggggg''!!!!" Winston quickly approached Penghis Khan. He took off running. Explorer felt better. He presumed the narrator had listened to his plea. "Now that my horrific incident of literary terror is over, I think I'll do some sight seeing... and maybe get a chiropractor," Explorer thoughtfully added. He waddled off, hoping to reach the elevators without running into anyone else. For my health, will someone write the next chapter?! he thought. Explorer must have met over a million Dorkugese that afternoon. He had wandered through Pi Island's East Wing for about four hours straight, and had seen and done a lot. Explorer had rode 20 times in the high-tech elevators, washed his propeller hat three times in the laundromatic (4 rad per laser-clean), bought 136 radians worth of souvenirs, watched two documentaries for 40 rad each, and stopped seven times at a small shop to refill his smoothie cup (1 rad per refill) ; added to this he had passed 14 Coins for Change donation kiosks, and emptied an equal amount of money into each one. Now ⅓ of his original 42,705 radia were gone from his player card, and there was still no sign of Happyface and Barkjon. Explorer wearily waddled up the corridors of Floor 24 until he reached Dormitory 13, his personal quarters (Fred was staying in the room opposite the hallway). But before Explorer could allow the retinal scanner to identify himself, a loud '''BOOM! echoed through the aisle, and Explorer was knocked off his webbed feet. ---- *The Narrator stated was not Mayor McFlapp, as he sent an e-mail to the Antics Brothers notifying them that he was vacation. Chapter 4: Flashbacks Can Be A Pain In The Tail Feathers Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Dorkugal 5:05 PM, November 28 Explorer was face down on the floor. All he could hear was muffled thumping coming from behind him. This better be good, he thought as he rose. Suddenly, a loud TSEEEEEW!!! rippled through the room, and the air began flashing blue. Clouds of purple smoke filled the room. "*cough* Oh, *cough* yeah, the *cough* worth-*cough*-less *cough* narrator's *cough* at it *cough* again *cough*," Explorer mumbled aggravatingly. "What *cough* now?" All of a sudden, two dark figures fell out of nowhere and sent the purple smoke flying everywhere. Explorer coughed vigorously again. What he saw when the smoke cleared surprised him. It was Happyface and Barkjon! “Ooh…” Barkjon moaned, “teleporting makes me sick…” “WHERE IN THE NAME OF PSYCHOS HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN?!” Explorer yelled all of a sudden at the duo. Barkjon, who was unaccustomed to being shouted at while nauseous, immediately fainted. Happyface quickly pulled out his icePod while explaining to Explorer. "Well, you see, Explorer," Happyface said as he attempted CPR on Barkjon, "we encountered a bit of formatting errors, a guy who smelled like rotten cheese, a broken redirect, a time warp, and... oh, there's so much to explain. Can I lay out a sub-chapter for your convenience?" "Sure," Explorer shrugged. "Whatever you like. As long as you don't bore the readers." "Okay," replied Happyface as he stepped away from Barkjon and slouched back against the wall. "It all started here... CUE FLASHBACK!!!" Chapter 4 and a ½: The Adventures of Happyface and Barkjon Happyface sat down against the wall and cleared his throat. "Ahem, ahem," he coughed. "Okay, here we go! It was, like, the middle of the day, and me and Barkjon were, like, driving in his dad's old pickup truck, and so we came across this huge pile-up in the middle of the highway..." ---- 3.14th Street, Pi Island, Dorkugal 12:40 PM, November 28 Happyface and Barkjon had come across a large traffic jam in the middle of 3.14th Street. Apparently a wire in one of the Dorkugese traffic supercomputers had fried, causing a major roadblock at the intersection of Capacitor Avenue and 3.14th. "Oh, just what we need," Happyface groaned. "First some annoying format errors and now this! What's wrong with the traffic light up there?" Just then, the power line holding up the traffic light crackled once, flashed, then collapsed, sending the traffic light plunging down onto one of the cars. An alarm sounded, and some sprinklers on the covered roof above the road turned on. "Great," Happyface muttered, "now we'll be stuck here 'till the end of the book." Crash! Another traffic light fell down, which brought another down, and another, and another, like dominoes. The last traffic light fell on Barkjon's dad's pickup truck. The red lights on every traffic light started flashing. "What's happening?" cried Barkjon. The lights flashed yellow. "Something very, very weird," answered Happyface. The lights lit up green and the truck disappeared in blue smoke. ---- Grassy Meadow, Pi Island, Dorkugal, Colonial Antarctica 10:24 AM, September 21, 1990 On a grassy meadow which was to become 3.14th Street about a decade in the future, on Pi Island, Dorkugal, a bearded penguin stood doing a painting of another female penguin. It was almost complete, except for the mouth. "Mama Mia!" cried the painter, "I wish-a you'd keep still!" "It's not my fault, Leo," said the penguin that was being painted, frowning, "There's this itch I have to scratch." "How am I suppose-a to paint your mouth when you keep moving it?" "Just put a smile, Leo. It doesn't really matter." "Yes, it does! You need-a to capture the feeling, the ambiance, you know-a?" "It really doesn't--" TSEEEEWWWW! She could not continue at that moment as a pickup truck suddenly materialized in front of her in a puff of blue smoke. She screamed and ran off. "Mama Mia!" cried the painter, pulling tufts of hair out of his beard, "That painting must-a be finished for the fair tomorrow! I'm-a ruined!" Barkjon and Happyface coughed as the blue smoke cleared. "Hey Mr Painter guy!" said Happyface cheerfully, "What's with the Italian accent?" "Italian?" pondered Leo, "Is-a that a type of fruit?" "You smell like cheese," said Barkjon, "What's your name?" "Leonardo da Waffli. I'm-a failed inventor, but I do enjoy art." Happyface and Barkjon gaped like a couple of Mullets. "Leonardo da Waffli? THE Leonardo da Waffli?" asked Barkjon in awe. "Yes. Is that-a a problem?" answered Leo. Before Barkjon could answer, there was a large noise and a cloud of blue smoke. TSEEEEWWWW! "The-cough-time-stream's very busy today, isn't it?" coughed Happyface. A floating figure draped in a cloak, carrying a fork, floated out of the cloud. "Run Leo! It's Sergeant Str00del" screamed Happyface, "Me and Barkjon will hold him off!" Leonardo waddled as fast as he could towards an old cottage, carrying his unfinished painting. "What's he saying?" asked Barkjon, grabbing a snowball gun from the back of the pickup truck. "He's speaking l33t," replied Happyface, "http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/leet That's a translator, Barkjon. Now let's fight!" Barkjon and Happyface opened fire on the sergeant. Barkjon turned to HF mid-fire. "Wait, you mean this isn't the Captain?" "No!" Happyface responded, dodging a fork. "The Captain is good now, remember?" RATATATATATAT!! Snowballs flew out of the guns and hit the sergeant in the face. Click! "We're out of ammo!" cried Happyface. "Switch to a Banana Blaster and fire templates at him!" !!!! "Barkjon!" yelled Happyface, "You forgot to use the no-wiki tag!" The Stub template hit Sergeant Str00del on the head and he vanished in blue smoke. Barkjon and Happyface deleted the Stub template, then walked off, across the meadow and towards Leonardo da Waffli's house. Chapter 4 and a ⅔: Story of the Golden Waffle "So what exactly did Sergeant Str00del want from you?" asked Happyface to Leo over a cup of hot chocolate. Barkjon was behind them at the small cottage's kitchen bench, tinkering with what looked suspiciously like an IcePod. Leonardo dropped his voice very low. "I suspect-a he want my greatest creation. The Golden Waffle!" he whispered. Leonardo da Waffli bent over and pulled a projector out from under the table (it's 1990, those existed). He plugged the projector into a wall socket. Barkjon could be heard behind them plunging a screwdriver into the back of the IcePod. Pictures lit up on the wall of the cottage. "Three years ago," began Leo, "My greatest success happened-a. I created The Golden Waffle in the deepest places of Diamond Falls." A picture lit up of Leonardo exclaiming, looking at a shining waffle. "The Waffle was given its powers over-a all things weird by Sensei, and was widely coveted around the continent." A picture was shown with Sensei shooting a beam of light into the waffle. "However, everyone wanted-a the waffle. The king wanted it, the people wanted it, my mother wanted it. The nation as we know it could collapse because of their greed, and I, Leonardo, seeing what misery the artifact had wreaked-a, separated it into its key ingredients: a box of Golden Waffle Mix, 2 Golden Eggs, and a three cups of Liquid Gold. From there, I fled to this island, rich in various metals, because I know it'll never-a be developed." "Uh, heh heh... yeah, it'll NEVER be developed." Happyface responded nervously as Leonardo displayed a picture of the three ingredients. "To make it even harder to recombine the ingredients, I hid each one in a secret place across the continent. I also built a booby-trapped underground temple in an undisclosed land to hold the waffle-maker that would recreate the Waffle from its batter, so nobody could touch it again." Happyface looked into the old eyes of the inventor, glistening with tears at the thought of destroying his only successful creation. There were sparks flying where Barkjon was now using a chainsaw on the IcePod. "So," yelled Happyface over the chainsaw noise, "Sergeant Str00del must want it to gain power over all things weird.!" "Yes," answered Leo loudly, "I suppose he time traveled from your time-a back to here. He must be stopped." "You understand time travel?" "Duh-a! What part of-a genius don't you get-a?" "It's no use," muttered Happyface. Barkjon was now using a blowtorch on the Icepod. "We don't even know how we got here, let alone get out of here. We've got no time machine." Barkjon lifted up his welding mask and exclaimed, "Finished!" Leo and Happyface looked round. "Well, you know how we're stuck here? Well, I've just created a device out of this IcePod that tells us if a time travellers are here, then it sticks out it's Electronic Thumb at their time machine." "We're going to hitchhike out of here?" said Happyface in disbelief. "Exactly. I'm getting a signal right now, so somebody must be--" Knock Knock! Leo opened the door and Speeddasher and Tails6000 walked in. "Hey Happyface, Barkjon, and mouldy cheese man," said Tails, "We were time traveling back to see Olde Antarctica when we picked up your Electronic Thumb signal." "Yeah," continued Speeddasher, "We thought, hey, we better help a friend, so here we are. "Wait, where's the king and the and revolution and the 'We're Not Gonna Take It'?" Tails interjected. Leonardo stared at Tails as if he said a bad word. "Do you ACTUALLY think-a the king is tyrannical? Mama Mia, that's-a a first! Next you're going to say that judges will rise up and form a new nation!" Tails6000 laughed a nervous chuckle. "Quiet Tails, don't break the time-stream! They don't know about that yet!" All the while, Happyface continued to stare in silence. Eventually, he was able to say something. "Wha-wha-wai-who-how did you guys get here? And how did you get a time machine?" stammered Happyface. "It doesn't matter, Happyface," said Barkjon, "The important thing is, where's your time machine?" Tails and Speed pointed out the window. A red, plush sofa sat on the far end of the meadow. It started to sort of roll away. "Oh snap!" shouted Speed, "We forgot to put the handbrake on!" He ran out the door, followed by Tails, Happyface and Barkjon. "Goodbye my friends!" cried Leo from the doorway, "Oh, I almost forgot!" He threw a box of waffle batter at Happyface. He caught it and kept running. ---- Now, if you had been watching the scene that unfolded before you (like poor Leo), you would feel strangely out of place. Four penguins, whooping with joy and running across a grassy meadow towards a red sofa isn't something you see everyday. To Happyface and Barkjon, it was their ticket out of here. The sofa blew further away. "Jump!" cried Speeddasher. The quartet jumped and landed on the sofa, and Tails pressed a hidden button. TSSSEEEWWWW!!! The sofa and it's four riders disappeared in a puff of blue smoke. ---- They tumbled through the time vortex, its colours flashing. "Barkjon! Happyface!" called Speeddasher, "Your exit's right there!" He pointed to a hole in the Time Vortex with a sign saying, "Dorkugal, 2009." "Thanks guys!" yelled Happyface and he and Barkjon jumped off the sofa and into the time warp. ---- Chapter 5: What now? "And so, that's it," said Happyface. "So basically, this sergeant person-" began Explorer. "Sergeant Str00del" interrupted Happyface. "Sergeant whatever!" continued Explorer, "Wants to steal the Golden Waffle and gain control over all things weird. Is that correct?" "Yes," answered Happyface. "Can I see that waffle batter?" Happyface pulled the box out of his inventory and handed it to Explorer. LIMITED EDITION GOLDEN WAFFLE BATTER BROUGHT TO YOU BY DA WAFFLI FOODS ©. Explorer sighed. "So, we have to beat Sergeant Str00del at finding the ingredients? That sounds like a really cheesy plot." Explorer slurped his smoothie to find it was empty. He threw the smoothie cup in a nearby trash can. The cup shot through the garbage chutes of the Googolplex until it suddenly burst through the chute wall. The cup flew through the air of Floor Fourteen, catching a small plastic knife on it. The cup soared through the air and the knife cut a rope that suspended a giant calculator on the roof. The giant calculator fell down, down, down and crushed Icmer In Nyc's portable fax machine, which was sitting on the floor near a computer cubicle. Inside the cubicle, Icmer was laughing at some of the pictures on the site, Lolcats. He heard the destroying of the fax machine, and walked outside to check it out. "Ah Ha!" said Icmer to himself, "They think they can get away with destroying my fax machine, do they? Well, I always carry a spare!" He pulled another portable fax machine out of his inventory and placed it on the ground. Meanwhile, the cup rebounded off the window of Floor Fourteen, and hit a Banana Blaster, which fired. The Banana goop hit the fax machine, destroying it again. "WHYYYYY MEEEEE?!?!" screamed Icmer. ---- None of this fazed Explorer, Happyface and Barkjon as they sat on the artificial beach drinking smoothies. LED lights winked at them. "Aren't we gonna get started finding the ingredients?" asked Barkjon, pausing mid-slurp. "Nah," answered Happyface, "Drinking smoothies is much better. Explorer, we've been drinking smoothies for thirty minutes now, and we haven't had a refill. What's up with that?" Explorer lifted up his sunglasses and looked into his smoothie cup. "You're right," he said, "It looks like they haven't been drunk at all!" "Barkjon, hand me a pebble," muttered Happyface. Barkjon did so and Happyface dropped it into his smoothie cup. They waited fifteen seconds for the plunk of the pebble. Nothing came. They waited thirty seconds. Forty-five. One minute. Still no plunk. "I conclude from this experiment," announced Happyface, "That our cups are bottomless. Pretty neat, hey?" "Wait!" exclaimed Explorer, "Where's the waffle batter?" "The smoothie dude must have took it!" cried Barkjon. The Trio turned around and saw the Smoothie Van speeding away. "Taxi!" cried Barkjon. A large limousine pulled up instantly. "Follow that car!" ---- The limousine-taxi sped off, showering Explorer and Happyface in a cloud of dust. "He's always-*cough*-taking the easy way.." coughed Happyface. They ran off in the direction of the elevators. ---- "This is really exciting!" said the taxi-limousine driver to Barkjon. "In all my ten years of being a cabbie, I've never been asked, "Follow that Cab!". It's almost like in the movies." "Yes, yes, are you following him?" asked Barkjon anxiously. "Yeah, but just think! In my opinion, the stereotype of a cabbie is somebody who's driving the car for the hero in the movie, but it doesn't give any recognition of what a cab driver actually drives. It gives you the impression that all cab drivers are for following a car, or something, you know?" "There was a whole series on the life of Antarctican cabbies recently," said Barkjon, annoyed, "That was fascinating. Anyway, are you still following the car?" The cabbie turned around to face Barkjon. "Yeah, but I think--" "LOOK OUT!" screamed Barkjon. The taxi-limousine was about to crash into a window. A snowmobile suddenly appeared beside them, and a feathery wing grabbed Barkjon and the Cabbie out of the car, moments before the car smashed through the window, plunging twenty seven stories to land on Icmer In Nyc's new portable fax machine. The snowmobile swerved around, away from the window and into an elevator. Barkjon looked into the smiling face of their saviour. It was ZapWire! ---- Explorer and Happyface started up the snowmobiles and drove out of the garage. "I put a GPS tracker on the waffle batter," said Happyface, "He should be passing us right..." The Smoothie Mobile went past. "..Now!" They accelerated, and Explorer pulled a rope out from under his propeller hat, and made it into a lasso. They sped through the floors of Dorkugal, scattering Dorkugese penguins here and there. Explorer swung his lasso, and with a loud, "Yee-ha!" he flinged it towards the van. It caught on the giant smoothie cup on top. The back door of the van opened, and Chlorine poked his head out. With a Tarzan-like yell, Explorer swung majestically through the air and hit the back of the van, which was now closed. He slowly slid down, but grabbed the rope, hoisting himself up on top. The van swerved, knocking over a toy car that rolled out the broken window and landed on Icmer In Nyc's other portable fax machine, which exploded. ---- "...so, I was reading this book, right?" said Zapwire, holding up a book that said on the cover, Quest for the Golden Waffle. The elevator slowly descended, playing elevator music that sounded like Furry Flats' latest single. "May I see that book?" asked Barkjon. Zapwire handed it to him. Barkjon started reading. "Oi! You've forgotten about me!" cried the cabbie, annoyed, who was standing in the corner. "Oh, sorry!" "You'll be the one that's sorry..." The cabbie pulled off a mask. It was To be continued... = Trivia = * Do you know how much Explorer spent in Chapter 3? If so, comment here! * A film concerning the events of this book is currently in production. See Quest For The Golden Waffle/Film for more. Category:Stories Category:Stuff that breaks the 4th wall